I have so many clients say that they want their relationship to go back to the way it once was. Upon further questioning, the issues they are struggling with now were always there, they just didn’t bother them so much at first. Perhaps something changed suddenly when kids were brought into the equation. Now the fact that I’m doing all the housework IS a big deal, it wasn’t so bad when it was just the two of us. Maybe I found my husband charming and social, but now that I obsess about the possibility of him cheating, now that I’ve put on some weight, and I loathe his flirting. I was attracted to my wife because she made me feel like a man by asking for my help, now I see her as helpless, always pulling the damsel-in-distress card, and it is no longer cute.
They are still the way they are I’m still the way I am, so why is behavior that might have once been cute or amusing now seem so annoying?
Question yourself, what you are making it mean? Why do I think he’s going to cheat? Maybe because my dad cheated on my mom or my friends have suffered infidelity in their relationships, and I picked up the message somewhere that all men cheat. Why am I annoyed by her constantly wanting my help? Maybe I’m overwhelmed by work or parenthood and it’s just too much for me to carry without having a capable partner. When do I get a break? Why do I resent doing all the housework? Maybe I’ve feel that my partner sees me as more of a mother figure than a lover, and the passion is no longer there.
You get to choose how you react and respond if your partner’s behavior bothers you. You can communicate it to them in a calm cool way and let them know how you are feeling. Listen closely to their response. Their explanation of their behavior may not be what you think the behavior means. You can choose to accept their explanation or not. Allow for the possibility they aren’t willing to change their behavior. You can then decide if relationship needs to change or if you can learn to accept their behavior or reframe it in your mind or not pay such close attention to it.
These can be difficult conversations to negotiate, and sometimes they may need to be done in stages. They are definitely best avoided in the heat of the moment during an argument.
In my coaching sessions, I help my clients return to feeling the way they want in their relationships by helping them negotiate these difficult issues and so much more.
Book a free Discovery Call if you wish to see how my coaching will help you.