A lot of clients express that they feel like they are terrible in bed.
Some of the most common struggles I hear are:
“I have a tough time achieving orgasm”
” I struggle to keep an erection or lasting as long as want”
“I don’t feel as attracted to my partner as I once did”
“I can’t relax and let go”
“I have a hard time getting out of my head or shutting up the critical voice in my mind”
“I’m worried about what my partner is thinking -Does my body look good enough? do I smell or taste right? What if I fart or queef?”
“I’m embarrassed about sounds I make or don’t make, my smells, my body, how it looks or functions and the size of my different parts”
“I’m worried about pleasing my partner”
People who struggle with these issues often feel alone in them even though as I mentioned they are super common.
Most people didn’t receive a good sex education. If we received one at all, we probably weren’t taught the whole truth about sex.
Sex ed in school often focuses on creating fears around the biology and anatomy of sex, preventing teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Most students and teachers are embarrassed as hell to even be talking about the subject. One thing I bet no teacher ever told you was how to get the most pleasure out of your sexual experiences.
Even if you had ‘the talk’ with your parents, it was probably more about how babies are made and waiting. They might have encouraged you to wait until marriage or wait ’til you were ready, hoping that was many many years away, and to make sure you didn’t make them a grandparent too soon. Few of us had a relationship with our parents we felt supported and super comfortable discussing sexual issues. Many parents are uncomfortable with the topic of sex and their knowledge is limited.
A lot of people got their sex education from peers, partners, the media and porn. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, porn is a lot of things, but a good sex educator it is not!
Pleasure is the point of 99.9% of sexual experiences.
I mean, every once in awhile it’s about procreation. But, we are rarely taught to focus on our pleasure. That in my opinion is what contributes to many of the common sexual struggles we face.
Trying to be good at sex rather than enjoying the pleasure of it takes us out of the body and into the mind. We can become overwhelmed by self judgment, fear or doubts. Our minds might race or check out, we might become distracted or begin focusing on things like fantasy, tasks we left undone or our problems.
What if we trained ourselves to focus on pleasure and mostly our own. Sounds selfish, right? Well, be selfish then.
Having lots of pleasure makes you good in bed.
Pleasure is available in every sexual experience from start to finish regardless of your body size or whether orgasm is achieved.
Our bodies are built for pleasure. The clitoris has over 10,000 nerve endings and it is the only organ in the human body with no other function than pleasure. The penis has 4,000 nerve endings in the glans alone!
Men can train to expand their capacity to hold pleasure and circulate it throughout their bodies in order to delay ejaculation.
We have 5 namable senses (I’m sure there are more), that we can use to our advantage to maximize pleasure. Set yourself up to maximize pleasurable sights, sounds, smells, tastes, textures during your sexual experiences.
People often believe they are incapable of having good sex, that they are too old, something is wrong with their body or they are just not one of the lucky few who get to be great at sex.
This is simply not true!
We are all capable of having satisfying sex and being good in bed or wherever you choose to have it.
The key to being good in bed is to slow the F&*% down and really feel your body head to toe. Really drop into the experience. Make it pleasurable and fun, not serious business, stressful or a dreadful chore. Be fully present in the moment. Trust me, it makes a huge difference.
Share with your partner what kind of touch brings you the most pleasure and encourage them to do the same. This sets you up for success.
Here’s to your pleasure!