It is perfectly normal to have sexual thoughts and to have sex. How the heck do you think we all got here? But, we are conditioned to think of sex as dirty or bad. There are literally hundreds of euphemisms for sex and sexual anatomy because we have such a hard time talking frankly about it.
We can be even more afraid to talk openly about sex if we were raised in cultures where sex was considered taboo or shameful. It’s hard to get your sexual needs met when there is so much fear around discussing it.
I have clients that put up with dissatisfying sex for years or decades because they are embarrassed to speak up or afraid they will hurt their partner’s feelings. I find that so unfortunate.
We all deserve to have satisfying sex lives full of pleasure if that’s what we desire.
How do I teach clients to talk about sex more openly with their partners?
First, start slowly. Take lots of deep breaths and address one issue at a time. Tell your partner you’re embarrassed to talk about it, hopefully they will try to make you feel more comfortable. If you are needing a longer warm up period with lots of kissing and a neck or foot massage to get your body relaxed and on board or if you want your partner to ask you if you are ready before touching your genitals, then request that. It’s not too much to ask.
Second, try to use the word ‘I’ more than ‘you’. As in I would love _____, rather than you don’t ______ enough. Throw in some compliments for things your partner is doing right. Ask your partner if there is anything that would make sex better for them. You are under no obligation to do it, but if it isn’t a “hell no” then consider it.
Third, try to remind yourself of the love you and your partner have for each other. Try to see that they are probably not trying to do anything wrong or harmful, they just haven’t been properly educated on your sexual preferences. They can’t read your mind. If they do get upset, it’s probably because they are insecure about their techniques, try not to take it personally. Keep breathing.
Talking about sex gets easier the more you do it. It helps to schedule regular check in with your partner and see if there is anything that would make your sexual experiences better. Even schedule a session where you experiment with different speed and pressure of touch to see how each of you prefers to be touched rather than assuming. Keep practicing guiding your partner and giving feedback. Your body will thank you!