Are you feeling pressured by your partner to do things in bed that you don’t feel comfortable with?
OR
Do you feel like there’s no adventure and your sex life is boring you to tears?
So many couples struggle with having very different sexual appetites. This includes not only having mismatched sex drives, but also wanting totally different things in bed. It can be so challenging and it can lead to conflict, resentment or even threaten a relationship.
How do you negotiate this?
First, try to listen to what your partner wants to experience and what it is about it that excites them without judgment. They are not wrong for their sexual preferences any more than you are wrong for yours.
If it is a matter of one partner wanting sex more frequently than the other, was that always the case or is it new? Is the change in sex drive related to stress, a major change in life circumstances or something else? Try to understand what turns you and you partner on and off and try to adjust those factors the best you can. Get creative. Find other outlets for the higher drive partner. For instance, if the lower drive partner doesn’t want as much penetrative sex, see if there is something else that they are willing to do that would satisfy the higher drive partner. If the higher drive partner finds that stress is increasing their sex drive, can they look for other thing in addition to sex that could reduce their stress and tension.
If it is closeness and intimacy you are seeking are there non-sexual ways to satisfy those needs?
When it comes to differences in sexual styles, try to discern whether reluctance to participate in a particular sexual activity is simply because it seems unusual, unfamiliar, weird or scary to you or if it is something you are completely against. If it is truly a HELL NO!, you are under no obligation to participate. But, see if there is something else your partner might enjoy that you could do instead.
Try to remain open and curious. Try to investigate why you don’t like the idea of it. Did you hear something about it, do you have negative ideas about what it would mean about you or your partner if you did it? Did you try it in the past and have a bad experience? Could your partner support you in making it feel safer or more comfortable for you now?
Try to keep an open mind and be willing to try new things with your partner. Newness makes sex more exciting for most people. Stretch your comfort zone a bit. If you hate something, you can always stop or never do it again. But, you may be surprised, you might actually enjoy it. No way to know unless you try it.
Different sexual appetites are really not much different than different food preferences, or different vacation or music preferences in relationships. You can learn to try new things the other person likes and compromise. I’m not an old car fanatic, but my husband is, so you will find me at old car shows from time to time. I go mainly for the snacks. I’m sure he’s watched way too many seasons of The Voice with me.
I encourage you to keep striving to make sex as fun as possible. I look at it as adult recess or playtime where sometimes you get to learn brand new fun games. That’s what it’s all about! That and the Hokey Pokey.
If sex is feeling too much like a chore or you feel like you and your partner’s sexual differences are too unmanageable, I invite you to book a consultation.
I love helping couples negotiate these types of challenges and create better intimacy.
Much Love ❤️
Renée